Poetry Dump

[marianainthemoatedgrange]

Because I need somewhere to post this crap where no one will actually care if they see it. Content notes for a lot of violence/death and implied sexual assault.

I'm Not Going To Post This On Instagram

i. everyone knows the perfect moment
mine was a decade ago
and i still didn't know how good i had it

ii. i didn't think you meant it
does that make me an idiot?

iii. knowing would change nothing
but at least i'd know how guilty to feel
that it wouldn't

iv. i'm actively trying to hate you
but i can't.
who?
yes.

***

Imago

The version of you I created in my head
Is apparently much better than the real thing.
I think I’ll hold onto him instead.

Driving a car, on the computer, or in bed
Since age seventeen, I’ve burned hearing you sing—
(The version of you I created in my head.)

I don’t want to believe all the things that she said
But if you, as opposed to him, are a scum king
I think I’ll hold onto him instead.

I wish to god this was just a story I’d read
Like those torrid fantasies that helped me in shaping
The version of you I created in my head.

Still, even if you are a horrendous shithead
He can be as evil—or good—as my brain can wing.
I think I’ll hold onto him instead.

I’d hoped you didn’t suck—that hope hangs by a thread.
We’ll never meet. It’s a moot point, in the ending.
The version of you I created in my head?
I think I’ll hold onto him instead.

***

Fire in a Theater

Another scream.
Through the smoke nothing’s visible.
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, surely.
Don’t cough. Don’t choke. Don’t swallow.
The show must go on.
(give me more)
Scales flicker back and forth
across my eyes. I’m screaming
into the smoke now too.
Nothing to be done. The flames rise
The end nears
(hand in my mouth)
and the fiddle plays over cries
that sounded happy until they didn’t.
Was I playing with fire,
convinced it wouldn’t really burn?
Were we all? Let me burn.
Apparently I was asking for it
(softly whisper ‘no.’)
I should run.
I can’t run.
I’ve been burning too long to run.
Get the others out
But don’t make me run.

***

Big/Bad: A Dialogue

I just can’t believe…
Why not?
No one else was hurt.
No one else was her.
We still don’t know. Not for sure.
Occam’s Razor. It’s a wild goddamn animal. What did you expect?
They don’t attack humans unless something’s really wrong.
Well, clearly something was wrong.
Obviously.
And it’s a predatory carnivore.
Of mice and rabbits! Not humans!
It still has prey drives.
That shouldn’t matter. Something else was off. It had to be.
Didn’t it look hungry?
It wasn’t dressed like a sheep, if that’s what you’re asking.
But it still looked hungry.
Hungry’s different than rabid.
I still don’t know what you expected.
So we should just have known, is that it? Taken bowing and play growls at face value?
I guess it wasn’t playing.
Apparently.
When someone tells you who they are…
Fuck you, okay? I’m a carnivore too.
Not obligate.
Neither are they. That’s cats.
When the opportunity’s there it doesn’t usually matter.
So what do we do? Kill it?
You know what they say about old dogs and new tricks.
What if this is the new trick?
Sincerely, I wish I could believe that.
It's not like they could kill it anyway. They’d never bring it down.
They might have to.
Maybe.

Comments

[lebateleur]

I'm pretty sure I know exactly what this is about and I'm right there with you. Like, jesus fucking christ, is there no one whose music I've loved since forever who isn't a massive fucking predatorial creep?

[marianainthemoatedgrange]

Yeah. I've basically been spending the past two weeks alternating between trying to reserve my judgement in light of the current lack of concrete information, mentally raging at Till for causing all of this regardless of whether the drink-spiking allegations are true, (seriously, you've been making the kind of music you make for three goddamn decades and never had any serious allegations in this vein before, COME THE FUCK ON) and trying to reason myself into "well, maybe it's not quite as bad as it looks?" So I've been feeling mentally like I've been on the world's worst roller coaster for two weeks straight, and I fucking hate roller coasters to begin with.

I'm determined not to be That Guy if any kind of concrete proof comes out, which in turn makes me feel vaguely guilty about even wanting it to not be true because how dare I want a narrative of women falsely accusing famous guys of rapey behavior to be reinforced because I can't take the thought of my poor little meow meow actually being awful, and... god dammit. I'm legitimately glad there's at least an official investigation happening right now, (and even gladder that in light of that the creepy backstage parties that kicked off this whole thing have been canceled for the foreseeable) and I'm still praying to god that it doesn't turn up anything horrific, but... like I say, I'm trying to reserve my judgement despite my absolute loathing of being kept in suspense about anything, especially anything as fucked-up as this that I have zero control over. Thank you for your sympathy, anyway. *hugs*